Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
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You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
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Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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