No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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