The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
