we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
