How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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