last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
