is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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