i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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