Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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