Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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