dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
