On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
