Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
