My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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