Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
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Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
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I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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