remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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