Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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