My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
