toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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