I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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