i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
