Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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