3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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