And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
