I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
