I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I pour the whiskey from now on
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
