i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
