i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
