Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.