I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.