Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.