Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.