I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
