I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
