i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
