no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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