Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
