you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm lost and stupid without you.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
