I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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