my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
