I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
