When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
