I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
