weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
