I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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