I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
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