textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
