I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
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We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
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You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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