Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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