A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
