I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
