I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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