Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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