Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
