i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
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We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
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Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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