I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
