apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
