just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
