Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
