i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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