Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
