Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
He uses pillows to masturbate.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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