My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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