My friends, they love my intelligence
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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