she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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