that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
They have beer where we have blood.
Randomize
